It's New Years Eve. I'm alone in my quiet house, the kids are off with their friends. I'm soaking in a tub full of bubbles after working my thankless retail job until 7:00 P.M., that had me picking articles of clothing off the fitting room floor that entitled shoppers left behind, never considering that someone has to actually clean up their mess.
But that's what I do now. I clean up messes. I'm currently in the process of cleaning up the mess my husband has left us in. As my toes begin to web, I wonder if perhaps I should be sad that I'm alone? It dawns on me that I was never more lonely then while I was married. I try to pinpoint what I'm feeling. Tired? Bored? Content? Yes, that's it - I'm content.
I slip on my pi's and crawl into bed. I catch up on reading as the dog curls up next to me, he's content too. It's 11:59 and 2012 is about to make it's quick exit. I prepare a text for the kids, and on the stroke of midnight, I hit the send button. I get quick replies back as the kids and I wish each other a Happy New Year and send exclamations of love. I wish the dog a Happy New Year and he half-heartily wags his tail, too tired to give it his full-blown effort. I pat his head and turn off the light. I smile in the dark and wish myself a Happy New Year.
Have you ever been in a relationship that left you with a sense of loneliness? Relationships are supposed to provide us with a sense of connection, when there is a disconnect, the void leaves us feeling disappointed, misunderstood, and alone. Thoughts?
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Sweet Debby while I know it is not easy for you, you know how much I admire you. Relationships are never easy and it takes a lot of courage to get out of a toxic one!
ReplyDeleteand you know what? I'm a bit envious of your relaxed NY's eve, bring it on 2013 I'm sure this is going to be your year! xxx
Dearest Debby, your strength and courage to listen to your heart and your Angels, and move forward in life - into the unknown and break free of the ropes that held you hostage, is an admirable one. In 2012 whether you realized it or not at the time, you started to pave the path for the most fabulous journey of your life still be written.
ReplyDeleteAs the Chapter of 2012 in your life finished - a brand new one 2013 is before you and the most wonderful thing is that YOU are now holding the pen, free to write it as you desire. Let New Year's Eve be symbolic of the NEW YOU ... woman of freedom and independence; Inspiration to many. Cheers to 2013 , blessings and hugs, C. (HHL)
I know that 2013 is going to be a better year!!
ReplyDeleteI worked in retail many years ago, and I will never forget those that just threw things everywhere, so I understand.
Being alone is fabulous at times, and you are correct in saying a bad relationship leaves you lonely.
Happy New Year, friend!
Teresa
xoxo
I'm so glad you are content! You are right when you say that you were more alone then than you are now….nothing can top that feeling I am sure! So glad you have your children and it is so obvious that they love you and care about you very much! That will take you a very long way in life…I hate to think of you cleaning up those clothes! I have to say I always take mine back out and try to hang them up if they will let me because I feel way too spoiled just leaving them there! We need to appreciate the hard work that people put into making life "fun" for others. Your good deeds will not go unnoticed!
ReplyDeleteGood morning dear heart.
ReplyDeleteYour stroke before midnight is a scenario that is quite "normal" in spite of all the talk of parties and gatherings. HECK, I can remember time when I was at the best of parties, dressed up, but in reality, with NO WHERE TO GO. I was present at the party, but with no connection to anything meaningful.
Some are alone at that hour, as you described yourself, but content.
Some are surrounded by many, but totally unhappy, disconnected.
What happened to you was not by your will or choice; it was inflicted by thoughtlessness. You have started the sowing and preparing for a new GARDEN of your life. Each effort you make will yield a result. It already has. I too have to take a step at a time, and wait.
Your posts are down to earth, realistic and connect with me in many ways that I cannot even begin to write here. We are with you my friend, we are really ALL CONNECTED.
Anita
I had a friendship like that. It was extremely one-sided. I kept doing favours for this woman and that's all she ever used me for. When it came time to socialize and having fun, she'd call anybody else but me. Her family and her left us hanging one New Year's Eve. We had invited them, had bought goodies and drinks, and they waited till the very last minute to answer with a decline: they had gotten a better offer. I was so hurt. I finally ended the friendship with an email because this way I could go through everything she had done and how I felt. Of course, she never replied but told a mutual friend she was the victim in all this. However, I felt an immense relief and a great sense of empowerment. I never looked back. It made me grow so much as a person. This will too for you.
ReplyDeleteKeep going forward, Debbie! Only you can truly make yourself happy and content. You have a lot of talent! And don't even think twice about those inconsiderate ones not putting their clothes back on hangers............they are not worth it! Remember, it is just a job........nothing more.
ReplyDeleteThere is lonely and being alone...and a relationship where you are both is not a relationship at all. Knowing this will definitely shape the way your new year begins and unfolds.
ReplyDeleteAs for entitled shoppers...it never ceases to amaze me how people behave. I've watched people do some really thoughtless things because "someone else will do that" -- I watched a woman walk away from a buggy at the grocery store -- left in the parking lot. I went over to put it in the cart spot and she looked at me...I asked her why she'd just leave it there and she replied "that's someone else's job" -- I just shook my head as did the people watching us. xo
A warm bubble bath & a cuddle with the pup sounds like a great way to start the New Year! May you have a wonderful 2013~
ReplyDeleteNew Year is a melancholy time, you got through Debs!
ReplyDeleteContentment! A good thing! And kids who quickly respond in kind, a blessing. I think you may be alone, but not lonely. A good place to be Debby. But sorry about those messy dressing rooms. I'll never understand someone's sense of entitlement.
ReplyDeleteDebbie.....you are such a trooper! Just keep counting your blessings and looking forward. It sounds like your in a good place...remember healing takes time and there's always light at the end of a dark time.
ReplyDeleteYour New year's Eve sounds just perfect to me...and you entered 2013 a more mature and content woman...so many women cannot say that. Keep it up...Your and your children are on a healing path that seems to be going well. You are amazing and helping others...a very good place to be.
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely cosy NYE Debby. I've never experienced that in a relationship thankfully, but I'm so happy you've been able to move on from it.
ReplyDeleteHappy Monday Hun xoxo
http://www.intotheblonde.com/
I think we spent our NYE's Eve doing the exact same thing.
ReplyDeleteI just get so mad at your husband for destroying such good people. So mad. He won't get away with it. I promise.
Ps... That was not a threat, in case your husband is reading this blog and blah blah blah.
ReplyDeletei think relationships "teach" of something - every one of them - and even tho he's a douche he's at least showing you how STRONG you are and 'content' for now - which maybe you wouldn't of realized - ur gonna have an AMAZING year lovey!
ReplyDeleteOh Debbie, I know how you feel...about everything. And, of course, it can be overwhelming sometimes. Keep moving forward. Remember what I told you a few months ago..."in order to go forward we must leave some things behind." Your retail job is not thankless, you are working for a reason, and just like with every other job there will always be things you don't like...that's why it's called "work." Picking up clothes is not too different than filing 1000's of papers, windexing hundreds of windows, of making kazillions of copies. Just do it as well as you possibly can, know that the merchandise will sell better if it is presented beautifully and roll with it. Ex-husbands & wives get a bad rap, but it's possible they actually had no idea of how to do anything differently. Open your heart to only good news and look waaaaaay up. Happy New Year !!!!
ReplyDeleteDebbie I would venture to say we have all had relationships that made us feel that way. Physically they were there but mentally totally invisible. Yep, been there. I actually am going through a similar thing now but with a friend, its hard because we have known each other 20 years but its not working anymore like it used to. Its hard to sever ties.....but we know in our heart the right thing to do and need to listen to our instincts. Funny to me, your night sounded sooooo relaxing. I crave nights like that and if I had only known I would have told you to call me and we could have have a party on the phone! Husband was sick in bed with pneumonia so it was me and Teddy:) Not what I envisioned but instead of feeling sorry for myself i started counting the blessings and looking forward to 2013 and all the good things it will bring. And I have a strong hunch 2013 is going to be an amazing year for YOU! If you wrote a book with all your chronicles/tales...I swear I would be the first to buy it:)
ReplyDeleteYes I left my first marriage He had sucked the SOUL right out of me. Lonely and all alone. I am sorry for what you are going thru. You seem to be a head of it,like looking back and realizing that were lonely,even though you were in a relationship. I think thats good. Not that you will not be having difficult days...but that I feel you are in control.
ReplyDeleteHappy to you New Year 2013.
Unknown is Pamela Fatone
ReplyDeleteYou brought memory reading your wonderful blog~
ReplyDeleteYes indeed I felt that emptiness and loneliness trying to be someone I was not to please him:-[ Thank god that's the past...
2013 will certainly be your best years
I can feel it Debby
Sonia x)
♥
Debby,
ReplyDeleteIt's life's challenges and how we respond to them that set our path. It sounds like you did the brave and more difficult thing, which will undoubtedly benefit you and your kids in the long run. I'm happy for you and know you will have a great year. Contentment goes a long way for me...when I feel content I feel very happy.
Karen at Garden, Home and Party
Sounds like you started off the new year in a perfect way, a bubble bath and being with your kids. Sounds like it was a tough year but I am sure the best is yet to come. These experiences really do make us stronger in the end. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Debbie.. what a beautiful post. We've all been there and yet it sounds better when you write about it. I wish you great surprises in 2013. You deserve them after such challenges. You handle them well.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think it's better to be alone on your own, then to feel alone when you're in a relationship, so you are much better off. At least this way, you are your very own person, on your own two feet.
ReplyDeleteSending you warm wishes for a bright and wonderful 2013! xx
Debby, all I can say is 2013 will be a better year for you and your family, the life you all deserve will appear and someday you will laugh about these struggles that made you all stronger, better people.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Years to you and your loved ones. MB
Oh Debby! My best friend sent this to me (even though I receive all your posts as well) because we had just been discussing this. We're both married for a LONG time and it isn't always easy! Sometimes your best (girl) friend really becomes your spouse or soul mate. Sometimes even in the ok relationships you feel so alone and misunderstood. Life can be so tough sometimes, whether married or single.
ReplyDeleteEither way, and on a lighter note, please come celebrate my 2 year blogiversary with me. It wouldn't be the same without you and your my dear have become a true blog friend over these last couple of years! The party is at my place ;)...see ya there!
xo
Sharon
Hi and Happy New Year. I'm a relatively new follower and had to tell you that you share some of th best images out there. Truly beautiful and inspiring. Thanks for tall the work you put into your blog. Hoping for many years ahead of posts that have come to be so enjoyable for me.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Bianca
wow...wish I could edit my comments after posting...two typos and I sound like I've been enjoying a little vino!
ReplyDelete