So I was laying on the ultrasound table last Friday afternoon and the technician got really quiet all of a sudden. She kept asking the same question, "How long has this been going on?" Instinctively I knew it wasn't good.
Tech: "I am really sorry to have to tell you this, but you have a blood clot in your arm and jugular."
Me: "Hmmpph. Not surprised."
Tech: "You are taking it really good."
Me: "Seriously...The way my life is going lately this is just the icing on the cake. Nothing could shock me anymore."
Tech: I'm going to walk you over to the emergency room right now."
I follow begrudging, decidedly sick of emergency rooms.
As I sat in the emergency room I felt sorry for myself for a split second. Then I said, "Nonsense. I have been through so much that this is not going to deter me or get me down." I dig through my handbag and find an envelope onto which I scribble my dying wishes. I then text my girlfriend so that someone is aware of dying wishes. Next I text my Uncle, (the calm one in the family).
Me: "I'm at the hospital. Blood clot."
Uncle: "OMG are you okay?"
Me: "Yup. Can you believe this sh**? Don't tell Mom she'll freak, she's on a need to know basis."
Finally meet with Doctor. He tells me they are going to check for a genetic clotting disorder and a myriad of other things, set me up with a specialist, teach me how to do do self-injections at home and send me on my merry way. Doctor leaves. I'm left sitting there listening to the whiny lady next door behind the curtain. I pass time with an Oprah Magazine and drool over recipes. I'm starving. All I want is to get the heck out of there so I can eat. Doesn't the universe understand there is no time in my schedule for this clotting nonsense?
Curtain opens and in comes nurse.
Nurse: "Your Mother is on the phone. I told her you were okay but she's freaking out."
Me: "Oh, God, someone told her." It registers...It was the Uncle. I understand why he told her. I'm not mad.
Me: "Tell her to hang up and I'll call her."
Nurse: "Okay. She's really nervous. What nationality is she?"
Nurse: "Say no more. My mother in law is polish."
Find cell, call Mom before battery dies.
Mom: "Debby? What's going on?" Hysteria comes through the phone.
Me: "I'm fine. I promise. Geez, the lengths I go to to get a little nap, huh?"
Mom: "Do the kids know?"
Me: "No. Don't want them worrying."
Mom: "Dad and I are coming up. We'll be right there."
Me: "No. I'm fine. Seriously. I'll call if I need you. It's not necessary."
We hang up. Nurse comes back makes me watch instructional video about self injections. It's lame. I find parts of it amusing and chuckle. The whiny lady behind the curtain thinks I'm nuts.
Phlebotomist comes in a sucks me dry. Talk about thinning blood... Don't think there was more than a droplet left in my body after he finished.
Curtain opens again, in comes Mom with Dad in tow.
Me: "Oh, you didn't have to come. I'm fine."
Mom: "Nonsense. You shouldn't be alone."
Nurse comes in.
Me to nurse: "Polish mother." I point. We share a knowing glance.
Nurse to father: "I heard you have a history of blood clots."
Dad goes on and on and on.
Me to nurse, "Should have warned you. You can't give him the stage. Now he won't shut up." We share another knowing glance.
Parents step out while nurse shows me how to do self-injections.
Needle goes in and doesn't hurt at all. Squeezing medicine in kills. Feels like a bee sting.
Me to nurse: "I feel like I was tricked."
Nurse: "I didn't know it would hurt."
Me: "Well, now you do but I probably wouldn't warn other patients ahead of time because then they really won't want to do it."
I sign my life away in the event my crappy health insurance doesn't pay the hospital. They then want rights to every penny I have as well as my first born.
I open curtain and am surprised to see Mom, Dad and unexpected friend all talking.
Me to nurse: "See how loved I am?" We share knowing glance.
Mom currently has me under house arrest. She insists I can't be alone. I'm fine. She packs her overnight bag and fights with the dog, who clearly insists that she is on his side of the bed. Dog is so excited be having a sleepover with Grandma that he won't leave her alone. Mom falls asleep and I stay awake listening to her soft snores while her legs do a variety of kicks which would put the Rockettes to shame, thanks to her restless leg syndrome. Dog comes over and kisses me. I smile because I know I am loved.
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