Family dynamics are an interesting thing. In so many families kids are labeled without the parents ever realizing they are doing it. Subtle parental suggestions can often lead children to identify themselves as the pretty one, the smart one, the emotional one, the athletic one, the trouble maker, the social butterfly, or even the family clown. We all know children will more often than not live up to any label that is placed on them and will often carry these personal beliefs into their adulthood.
Sometimes the labels may be accurate, sometimes they are not, and sometimes one identifying label is simply just a sliver of who we are. What about the pretty girl who is intelligent as well, but the emphasis was on her looks? How about the clown who uses his or her sense of humor to deflect from their personal insecurities? The emotional one may be the only family member in touch with his or her emotions, and if you ask me... feeling and caring deeply is not a negative trait... it is a beautiful gift.
These dynamics not only are self-limiting to children, they sometimes cause conflicts and resentment amongst siblings. Kids may resent parents for labeling them and putting them in a little box.
I admit that I am probably guilty of this to some degree without out any negative intent. My son was bright as a whip from the first day of kindergarten and so an emphasis was put on his intelligence. He has always had the ability to make us laugh so he became the king of one-liners. My daughter has always had a crowd surrounding her from the minute she hit the playground. The kids were naturally drawn to her so she became, "little miss social." My kids, just like all of us, are so much more than these few traits. We are all layered and complex and have so much to offer ourselves and others.
Were you labeled as a kid? Did you have a role in the family? What was it? Did it ever cause you to sell yourself short? Did you carry these beliefs into your adulthood? Do you find you have a tendency to innocently do this with your own children?
Thanks to everyone who entered the June 1989 giveaway. The winner chosen by random.org is: Debra of Acquired Objects! Enjoy, Debra, I will email you for your choice selection.
Sometimes the labels may be accurate, sometimes they are not, and sometimes one identifying label is simply just a sliver of who we are. What about the pretty girl who is intelligent as well, but the emphasis was on her looks? How about the clown who uses his or her sense of humor to deflect from their personal insecurities? The emotional one may be the only family member in touch with his or her emotions, and if you ask me... feeling and caring deeply is not a negative trait... it is a beautiful gift.
These dynamics not only are self-limiting to children, they sometimes cause conflicts and resentment amongst siblings. Kids may resent parents for labeling them and putting them in a little box.
I admit that I am probably guilty of this to some degree without out any negative intent. My son was bright as a whip from the first day of kindergarten and so an emphasis was put on his intelligence. He has always had the ability to make us laugh so he became the king of one-liners. My daughter has always had a crowd surrounding her from the minute she hit the playground. The kids were naturally drawn to her so she became, "little miss social." My kids, just like all of us, are so much more than these few traits. We are all layered and complex and have so much to offer ourselves and others.
Were you labeled as a kid? Did you have a role in the family? What was it? Did it ever cause you to sell yourself short? Did you carry these beliefs into your adulthood? Do you find you have a tendency to innocently do this with your own children?
Thanks to everyone who entered the June 1989 giveaway. The winner chosen by random.org is: Debra of Acquired Objects! Enjoy, Debra, I will email you for your choice selection.
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I think we are all guilty of the labeling, subconsciously even. Same here, Chloe is the social butterfly for sure.......thankfully kids of single parents have come a long way....when I was young, if you were a divorced parent, you had the plague.....as a divorced parent for many years now, Im happy to say that both my kids have been much better off with two individual parents who love them:)
ReplyDeleteCongrats to the June 1989 bracelet winner. I cant wait to see what Debra chooses:)
June 1989 Jewelry is now open!
Four children equals for multi-label kiddos. Yeah...then you think of what labels they get from school and friends. I had my share of time on the "COUCH" for my labels...sure they will too. Great thoughts to start out my day with. Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteDebby this is so true and I think to different extents we were all held to certain ideals and expectations to fit into the box of whatever kind of kid we were determined to be. I think as parents now we do it as well and I think a lot of how we are to our children is reflected on how we grew up. I also know of some friends who grew up with very "rule with an iron thumb" moms who are purposefully very laid back and easy going.
ReplyDeleteI have 3 boys each with very different distinctive personalites....I work hard to look at them and see the good in each of them and help them to work and hone their strengths without putting too much pressure on them, but when i do its only becuase I know what they CAN do and that I believe in them so much.
Debby, I swear, each blog post is like a psychoanalysis session, which causes me to go through this giagantic catharsis with every answer! (although I tend to do these privately!!!)
ReplyDeleteI think in addition to parents labeling children, teachers do too. My brother in law and sister in law are both teachers, and I hear them often label students. I find myself getting pretty upset with them and their little boxes their students are put in, b/c how a child is labeled has a direct correlation to how that student is taught. When it comes to bullying, the good child who comes from the right family, dresses a certain way, etc., has their bad behavior excused as "oh, their a good student...they wouldn't say/do something like that", whereas the negatively labeled child doesn't usually get those breaks.
The power of words are too often used to destroy in our society, and with labels and discipline and punishment ferreted out based on the box in which a child fits, it would appear that our children today have no safe haven.
Whether its a product of our society, ignorance or Foucaultism in the extreme, I am not sure; however, if we value our (collective) children, we all need to do our part and break the cycle of labeling.
Stepping off the soap box now! :) Have a wonderful day, Debby! :)
Wow, I am not sure about what I was labeled as by my parents...I would have to think about it for a bit..I do completely agree that these "labels" that we put upon people could hinder them in many ways. Words are very powerful.
ReplyDeleteDebby - you are so right... I think it is a subconscious action on all our parts. We even 'label' friends in our minds, don't we? BTW - LOVE those curtains in that first image - looks like a fringed scarf was added.... how unique! Thanks so much for the great post to ponder over today. Enjoy your Tuesday. Jalon
ReplyDeleteMakes me feel sorry for my poor daughter, an only child, who had to carry all the labels by herself. A gal at our dentist office yesterday was asking me about my daughter and how law school was going. I mentioned that I never saw her as a law school person, she was such a quiet and reserved child. I actually said something about how her idea of herself must have been different and how important I think it is to allow them to show us who they are without putting them in a box. Were we on the same wavelength yesterday?!!
ReplyDeleteI'm the older of two children and the only girl. I suppose I was the "social" one and my brother "the brain". Never bothered me but I think it bothered him.
What were you?
This could not be more true. Growing up in a family of five we were labeled to a ridiculous degree. It was positive with some of us and very negative with others. But the funny thing is, as an adult, I want to develop the "negative" traits to in order to be a more rounded person. Hard work.
ReplyDeleteI now have two grandchildren,3 1/2, twins, both brillant, him handsom and scary smart, her beautiful and athletic. I saw myself start the labeling and had to stop it. Luckily they have awesome parents who let him wear a tutu and paint his nails and her play with excavators! Thanks for the wake up call. Oh, and i love your blog!
I somehow agree with you! by the way I love your post, you bring so much inspiration!
ReplyDeleteBabi
www.whenbabispeaks.com
Debby, I think most of us have slapped a label on our kids - intentionally or not. Unfortunately, even if it's just a sliver of a personality a label can impact how a young person views themselves. My parents were quick to judge - and labeled us. It took me well into my adult life to break free and recognize that I was worthy, capable, and so on. I think part of this was a generational thing. Our parents may have been raised by people that believed kids were to be seen but not heard and it doesn't seem that there was attention given to raising a well-adjusted kid. It's an interesting dynamic as the love is there, yet some of the things we do can result in some long term issues that may or may not have a lasting impact on an individual. Important message here - great post Debby :)
ReplyDeleteHmm.... if my parents did label me I was not aware of it. My sister and I were pretty different and I was always aware of those differences on my own, but not because of my parents. I can see how parents can fall into that trap, though. You want to celebrate achievements any possible way.
ReplyDeleteThankfully my parents have always treated us equally!
ReplyDeleteHappy Tuesday hun xoxo
http://www.intotheblonde.com/
Great post! So often I hear things like, he/she is going to grow up to be a (dr./lawyer/etc.) because he/she is so good at ____. No pressure there, kid!
ReplyDeleteI always begin your posts oohhing and ahhhing...and by the end, I'm a-haaing! This kind of stopped me in my tracks as I have been wondering what I sound like to my children. This makes me want to remind each of them that they are special. In many ways.
ReplyDeleteThanks as always for giving me something to think about and work on!
xoxo Elizabeth
i want a peacock to roam around my yard with it's wings expanded at all times!
ReplyDeletebrett
such an incredible post and yes i guess at some point or the other everyone gets labelled. even after childhood. as we kids we are categorised for how we are..when we grow up we get categorised for how we handle our lifes or what we achieve...or who we become. life is all about labels but i believe its about how we handle it. just ourselves. without worrying about the world. Its a easier way to live our life :)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all congrats to Debra because she is really one of the nicest bloggers out there and I'm so happy for her! Second of all, as parents, we are all guilty of pointing out our kids' traits, whether positive or negative and we really have the ability to impact the way they feel about themselves so let's be careful not to 'label' them but to compliment! But no parent is perfect and every child needs to learn to compensate for whatever childhood they had. I was called the 'pretty' one which was really flattering and probably led me to love pretty things, but on the negative side I never really thought I was that intelligent until my late 20's or early 30's when it dawned on me that there's more to me than looks!
ReplyDeleteDebby, as my friend I just wanted to let you know that I am scheduled to donate a kidney this Thursday and I hope you and whoever reads this comment will say a little prayer for me and the recipient that everything should go well. It's a long story how I reached this point and I will blog about it after the fact. But anyone that ever considered doing something like this should be inspired because there is nothing greater than giving the gift of life. We all suffer somewhat in life and I'm sure I will suffer post surgery but I think the small sacrifice of some physical discomfort is worth the price of saving someone's life.
Wish me luck!!
Lots of love,
Sharon
Very good point, one that I've never really thought of before but I could definitely see as to how this would effect a child. I'm definitely going to remember this for the future.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I was instantly labeled as a kid and it has carried out into my adult years. Do you know that my recent move to be AN ARTIST is due to BLOGGER FRIENDS and that I had SUPPRESSED my artistic side because of NEGATIVE comments from my family? Yep. What we say does matter to a child.
ReplyDeleteLOVELY PICS! Anita
Hi Debby,
ReplyDeleteI love that your posts always make me stop and think. Your point about "feeling and caring deeply is not a negative trait... it is a beautiful gift" really caught me. I just had this discussion with my best friend about me being too sensitive. Later I thought to myself, Why is it wrong to be "too sensitive"?? Couldn't that be a good thing? Maybe the people that say that are not as in touch with their emotions and feelings. Thanks for helping me to validate myself. We are always so hard on ourselves but today I see a light! Thanks
I guess I'm a little late reading this post, but I'm glad I found it!!!! This is a GREAT post and soooo, sooo true....as I was reading this it brought to mind some of the things I heard growing up, as well as, some of the things that have been said about my own kids...and at the time you don't even realize you're labeling!!! It makes you think a little harder about what comes out of our mouths!!!
ReplyDeletePS Your pics are fantastic, as usual!!! Have a glorious day!! :)